Funny quotes - Funny Quotes

1 ) BEWARE OF THE YOUNG DOCTOR AND THE OLD BARBER
2 ) A FRIEND DOESNT GO ON A DIET BECAUSE YOU ARE FAT
3 ) ART IS MAKING SOMETHING OUT OF NOTHING AND SELLING IT
4 ) ANYTHING TOO STUPID TO BE SAID IS SUNG
5 ) WHEN I READ ABOUT THE EVILS OF DRINKING I GAVE UP READING
6 ) TRAFFIC SIGNALS IN NEW YORK ARE JUST ROUGH GUIDELINES
7 ) NEVER PUT OFF UNTIL TOMORROW WHAT YOU CAN DO THE DAY AFTER TOMORROW
8 ) ITS ALL RIGHT LETTING YOURSELF GO AS LONG AS YOU CAN LET YOURSELF BACK
9 ) GRAVITATION CAN NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR PEOPLE FALLING IN LOVE
10 ) WOMEN WHO SEEK TO BE EQUAL WITH MEN LACK AMBITION
11 ) SHE GOT HER LOOKS FROM HER FATHER HES A PLASTIC SURGEON
12 ) IS MAN ONE OF GODS BLUNDERS OR IS GOD ONE OF MANS BLUNDERS
13 ) BE CAREFUL ABOUT READING HEALTH BOOKS YOU MAY DIE OF A MISPRINT
14 ) I DIDNT ATTEND THE FUNERAL BUT I SENT A NICE LETTER SAYING THAT I APPROVED OF IT
15 ) IF YOU ARE GOING THROUGH HELL KEEP GOING
16 ) I CAN RESIST EVERYTHING EXCEPT TEMPTATION
17 ) THINK OF HOW STUPID THE AVERAGE PERSON IS AND REALIZE HALF OF THEM ARE STUPIDER THAN THAT
18 ) A HOUSE IS JUST A PLACE TO KEEP YOUR STUFF WHILE YOU GO OUT AND GET MORE STUFF
19 ) NO COMMENT IS A COMMENT
20 ) IF A MAN SMILES ALL THE TIME HES PROBABLY SELLING SOMETHING THAT DOESNT WORK
21 ) THE REASON THEY CALL IT THE AMERICAN DREAM IS BECAUSE YOU HAVE TO BE ASLEEP TO BELIEVE IT
22 ) BOY THOSE FRENCH THEY HAVE A DIFFERENT WORD FOR EVERYTHING
23 ) MY TOUGHEST FIGHT WAS WITH MY FIRST WIFE
24 ) A NICKEL AINT WORTH A DIME ANYMORE
25 ) THERE USED TO BE A REAL ME BUT I HAD IT SURGICALLY REMOVED
26 ) ITS NOT TRUE THAT I HAD NOTHING ON I HAD THE RADIO ON
27 ) ANYONE WHO SAYS HE CAN SEE THROUGH WOMEN IS MISSING A LOT
28 ) BEHIND EVERY GREAT MAN IS A WOMAN ROLLING HER EYES
29 ) BETWEEN TWO EVILS I ALWAYS PICK THE ONE I NEVER TRIED BEFORE
30 ) CROSS COUNTRY SKIING IS GREAT IF YOU LIVE IN A SMALL COUNTRY
31 ) A COMPUTER ONCE BEAT ME AT CHESS BUT IT WAS NO MATCH FOR ME AT KICKBOXING
32 ) FOOD IS AN IMPORTANT PART OF A BALANCED DIET
33 ) THANK GOD IM AN ATHEIST
34 ) I LIKE WORK IT FASCINATES ME I CAN SIT AND LOOK AT IT FOR HOURS
35 ) GET YOUR FACTS FIRST AND THEN YOU CAN DISTORT THEM AS MUCH AS YOU PLEASE
36 ) HE TAUGHT ME HOUSE KEEPING WHEN I DIVORCE I KEEP THE HOUSE
37 ) IF YOU DRINK DONT DRIVE DONT EVEN PUTT
38 ) HOUSEWORK CANT KILL YOU BUT WHY TAKE A CHANCE
39 ) HOW MANY PEOPLE HERE HAVE TELEKENETIC POWERS RAISE MY HAND
40 ) I ALWAYS WANTED TO BE SOMEBODY BUT NOW I REALIZE I SHOULD HAVE BEEN MORE SPECIFIC
41 ) I AM NOT AFRAID OF DEATH I JUST DONT WANT TO BE THERE WHEN IT HAPPENS
42 ) I AM THE LITERARY EQUIVALENT OF A BIG MAC AND FRIES
43 ) I BOUGHT SOME BATTERIES BUT THEY WERENT INCLUDED
44 ) I BUY EXPENSIVE SUITS THEY JUST LOOK CHEAP ON ME
45 ) ALWAYS FORGIVE YOUR ENEMIES NOTHING ANNOYS THEM SO MUCH
46 ) I CANNOT SING DANCE OR ACT WHAT ELSE WOULD I BE BUT A TALK SHOW HOST
47 ) THE PROBLEM WITH THE WORLD IS THAT EVERYONE IS A FEW DRINKS BEHIND
48 ) I COOK WITH WINE SOMETIMES I EVEN ADD IT TO THE FOOD
49 ) A LITTLE INACCURACY SOMETIMES SAVES TONS OF EXPLANATION
50 ) I DID NOT HAVE THREE THOUSAND PAIRS OF SHOES I HAD ONE THOUSAND AND SIXTY
51 ) I DISTRUST CAMELS AND ANYONE ELSE WHO CAN GO A WEEK WITHOUT A DRINK
52 ) I DONT HAVE A BANK ACCOUNT BECAUSE I DONT KNOW MY MOTHERS MAIDEN NAME
53 ) SOME EDITORS ARE FAILED WRITERS BUT SO ARE MOST WRITERS
54 ) I LOVE MICKEY MOUSE MORE THAN ANY WOMAN IVE EVER KNOWN
55 ) BOXING IS A LOT OF WHITE MEN WATCHING TWO BLACK MEN BEAT EACH OTHER UP
56 ) I DRANK SOME BOILING WATER BECAUSE I WANTED TO WHISTLE
57 ) I NEVER FORGET A FACE BUT IN YOUR CASE ILL BE GLAD TO MAKE AN EXCEPTION
58 ) IN HEAVEN ALL THE INTERESTING PEOPLE ARE MISSING
59 ) I FOUND THERE WAS ONLY ONE WAY TO LOOK THIN HANG OUT WITH FAT PEOPLE
60 ) I HAVENT SPOKEN TO MY WIFE IN YEARS I DIDNT WANT TO INTERRUPT HER
61 ) I INTEND TO LIVE FOREVER SO FAR SO GOOD
62 ) EIGHTY PERCENT OF SUCCESS IS SHOWING UP
63 ) I CAN GIVE YOU A DEFINITE PERHAPS
64 ) MEN ARE BEASTS AND EVEN BEASTS DONT BEHAVE AS THEY DO
65 ) WHEN I DIE IM LEAVING MY BODY TO SCIENCE FICTION
66 ) I REFUSE TO JOIN ANY CLUB THAT WOULD HAVE ME AS A MEMBER
67 ) I WAS THE KID NEXT DOORS IMAGINARY FRIEND
68 ) I HAVE NEVER BEEN HURT BY ANYTHING I DIDNT SAY
69 ) DRAMA IS LIFE WITH THE DULL BITS CUT OUT
70 ) IM NOT A REAL MOVIE STAR IVE STILL GOT THE SAME WIFE I STARTED OUT WITH TWENTYEIGHT YEARS AGO
71 ) IVE NEVER BEEN MARRIED BUT I TELL PEOPLE IM DIVORCED SO THEY WONT THINK SOMETHINGS WRONG WITH ME
72 ) IF GOD WANTED US TO FLY HE WOULD HAVE GIVEN US TICKETS
73 ) I GUESS THE ONLY WAY TO STOP DIVORCE IS TO STOP MARRIAGE
74 ) IF LOVE IS THE ANSWER COULD YOU PLEASE REPHRASE THE QUESTION
75 ) IF MY FILMS MAKE ONE MORE PERSON MISERABLE ILL FEEL I HAVE DONE MY JOB
76 ) IF TWO WRONGS DONT MAKE A RIGHT TRY THREE
77 ) I TOOK A SPEED READING COURSE AND READ WAR AND PEACE IN TWENTY MINUTES IT INVOLVES RUSSIA
78 ) IN COMIC STRIPS THE PERSON ON THE LEFT ALWAYS SPEAKS FIRST
79 ) IN HOLLYWOOD A MARRIAGE IS A SUCCESS IF IT OUTLASTS MILK
80 ) ETERNITY IS REALLY LONG ESPECIALLY NEAR THE END
81 ) MARRIAGE IS LIKE PI NATURAL IRRATIONAL AND VERY IMPORTANT
82 ) ACTING IS MERELY THE ART OF KEEPING A LARGE GROUP OF PEOPLE FROM COUGHING
83 ) IT IS EASY FOR ME TO LOVE MYSELF BUT FOR LADIES TO DO IT IS ANOTHER QUESTION ALTOGETHER
84 ) MY FAKE PLANTS DIED BECAUSE I DID NOT PRETEND TO WATER THEM
85 ) MY MOTHER WAS AGAINST ME BEING AN ACTRESS UNTIL I INTRODUCED HER TO FRANK SINATRA
86 ) NEVER HAVE MORE CHILDREN THAN YOU HAVE CAR WINDOWS
87 ) MY WIFE IS A SEX OBJECT EVERY TIME I ASK FOR SEX SHE OBJECTS
88 ) MY LUCK IS SO BAD THAT IF I BOUGHT A CEMETERY PEOPLE WOULD STOP DYING
89 ) TELEVISION HAS BROUGHT BACK MURDER INTO THE HOME WHERE IT BELONGS
90 ) THERE CANNOT BE A CRISIS NEXT WEEK MY SCHEDULE IS ALREADY FULL
91 ) WELL LOVE YOU JUST THE WAY YOU ARE IF YOURE PERFECT
92 ) SHOW ME A SANE MAN AND I WILL CURE HIM FOR YOU
93 ) IF YOU WANT TO MAKE AN APPLE PIE FROM SCRATCH YOU MUST FIRST CREATE THE UNIVERSE
94 ) A HEN IS ONLY AN EGGS WAY OF MAKING ANOTHER EGG
95 ) NEVER ANSWER AN ANONYMOUS LETTER
96 ) WHEN IM GOOD IM VERY VERY GOOD BUT WHEN IM BAD IM BETTER
97 ) WHATS THE USE OF HAPPINESS IT CANT BUY YOU MONEY
98 ) ALWAYS GET MARRIED EARLY IN THE MORNING THAT WAY IF IT DOESNT WORK OUT YOU HAVENT WASTED A WHOLE DAY
99 ) TO CEASE SMOKING IS THE EASIEST THING I OUGHT TO KNOW IVE DONE IT A THOUSAND TIMES
100 ) DONT WORRY ABOUT THE WORLD COMING TO AN END TODAY ITS ALREADY TOMORROW IN AUSTRALIA